I called Brian the other night. I’m not sure why, there really wasn’t much of a reason. Loneliness? Possibly. Maybe guilt… or maybe I just missed him. Either way, I called, he answered and we were engaged in a few words of awkward conversation. Eventually I asked if he would be interested in meeting for coffee. He obliged and asked when, I told him whenever he was available and we ended up meeting at a café shortly after. It used to be “our” café, if you want to call it that. This only ended up adding to the uncomfortable aura the situation carried. Anyhow, he arrived in sunglasses… it was 5am, mind you. I laughed to myself as it was a very Brian thing to do. I began to chain smoke unconsciously. How do you face a person you know you caused a great amount of pain to? It’s hard to even look them in the eyes, more less stand up and give hug them. We chatted over nothing, I played with packs of sugar and he looked for the waitress. His knee hit mine once… I moved away. Then it happened, the silence was becoming far too loud and I thought I might explode if I didn’t speak, so I did. I told him all the words I could form. How sorry I was, how if he was feeling like I did now that words could never be enough. He began to cry and it was the last thing I wanted to see. Tears from those close to me hurt more than my own. It’s my weakness. I asked if I could hold him and he nodded slowly before moving into the space next to me. Eventually we went back to his flat and talked for a while, until the sun was fully up and he had practice to go to. We parted ways vowing to keep in touch with one another. Don’t be a Stranger.
I’m meeting with Adam for lunch soon. Well, whenever he comes to pick me up. I made Macaroni and Cheese for Gareth and he abandoned me, so Adam is taking his place. I should throw his rat into the toilet and add a few bricks to the top of the lid. Maybe flush it a couple of times and then leave a note for him before I depart.
I think I’m going to lock myself into the studio for a few days, possibly a week. I need to work and there is no better way to get your mind off things.
I’m tired. I think I may take a nap before Adam arrives.
Read between the lines and feel weak. There are no lines to read between. Nothing happened.