He hammered in the final nail to our coffin yesterday, and I think it was what I needed. I needed to be angry at him, I needed to finally let go of him and push him away. I finally made a decision and I let him know it. The final decision to stop waiting, wanting, loving, hurting, aching, yearning, and bleeding for him. I can take a breath now and feel my lungs fill to their full capacity instead of falling short. I almost feel reborn in a way… a shackle being unlocked from around your heart can do that, I suppose.
Miami was beautiful, and Amanda was even more beautiful as she walked down the aisle. In a way I always looked at her as sort of a little sister, with much protection. When I saw her in that white dress, and speaking her last lines of the vows… I knew she was in safe hands and didn’t need to be protected anymore. She’s more grown up than I can even picture being right now. She later announced she was pregnant, which even blew me away more. I know she’ll make an excellent mother, and I hope I’ll be able to baby-sit at least once.
I was more than ready to arrive back in London, and it almost saddens me that I’ll have to leave again very shortly and head back the states. I have a show in LA on March 19th at Largo. I hope everyone in the nearby area will attend, as I miss a lot of my LA friends… even if I do hate the city. I’ll probably fly in the day before and leave the following Saturday. I’d like to attend Largo Friday night in order to meet up with Jon Brion and maybe play a few songs with him. I adore that man, and he is a musical genius. Besides, we have a lot of catching up to do.
Back in to the studio I go. Fresh attitudes are always helpful. Maybe I can actually write some more upbeat songs now, although even the happier numbers still tend to be pretty slow. I like it that way. The only question is where to go from here. I guess that’s one of the answers that will come with time. We aren’t supposed to be able to see into the future for a reason, probably because that would actually prevent happiness. Most people would never take the leap into something if they knew it was going to end badly. It’s easy for us to forget how happy we actually were when it’s all over. I didn’t forget though, I’ll never forget… and I like it that way as well. It was good while it lasted, that’s all I can really say.