Teddy Thompson (teddythompson) wrote,
Teddy Thompson

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the day you took my breath, the fading breath of a candle blown

The feeling of a guitar beneath your fingertips is a feeling like no other. You can get almost everything out and take something else in. When I got back from Miami I went straight to my room at Gareth’s and played for as long as my fingers could stand it, or actually, until I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning, smoke a cigarette and then began playing again. I closed my eyes and plucked at each string hard, loving how the vibrant sound bounced from wall to wall and echoed back into my ears. The more pain I felt inside the harder I pulled each string… emotion pouring out and balancing with the wounds forming on my fingertips. I don’t know how many strings I broke, but I did have to replace a couple a few different times. Sometime mid-day on Sunday I finally felt what I had been missing for weeks, maybe even months… peace. I felt at ease. I took everything from within me and let it escape through the blood on my fingertips, the tears in my eyes, and music I was churning out. I let go, and it felt wonderful. The feeling I felt when I finally set my guitar down, took a deep breath, and opened my eyes cannot be described… but it was a good feeling.

He hammered in the final nail to our coffin yesterday, and I think it was what I needed. I needed to be angry at him, I needed to finally let go of him and push him away. I finally made a decision and I let him know it. The final decision to stop waiting, wanting, loving, hurting, aching, yearning, and bleeding for him. I can take a breath now and feel my lungs fill to their full capacity instead of falling short. I almost feel reborn in a way… a shackle being unlocked from around your heart can do that, I suppose.

Miami was beautiful, and Amanda was even more beautiful as she walked down the aisle. In a way I always looked at her as sort of a little sister, with much protection. When I saw her in that white dress, and speaking her last lines of the vows… I knew she was in safe hands and didn’t need to be protected anymore. She’s more grown up than I can even picture being right now. She later announced she was pregnant, which even blew me away more. I know she’ll make an excellent mother, and I hope I’ll be able to baby-sit at least once.

I was more than ready to arrive back in London, and it almost saddens me that I’ll have to leave again very shortly and head back the states. I have a show in LA on March 19th at Largo. I hope everyone in the nearby area will attend, as I miss a lot of my LA friends… even if I do hate the city. I’ll probably fly in the day before and leave the following Saturday. I’d like to attend Largo Friday night in order to meet up with Jon Brion and maybe play a few songs with him. I adore that man, and he is a musical genius. Besides, we have a lot of catching up to do.

Back in to the studio I go. Fresh attitudes are always helpful. Maybe I can actually write some more upbeat songs now, although even the happier numbers still tend to be pretty slow. I like it that way. The only question is where to go from here. I guess that’s one of the answers that will come with time. We aren’t supposed to be able to see into the future for a reason, probably because that would actually prevent happiness. Most people would never take the leap into something if they knew it was going to end badly. It’s easy for us to forget how happy we actually were when it’s all over. I didn’t forget though, I’ll never forget… and I like it that way as well. It was good while it lasted, that’s all I can really say.
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